Ask Susan
You Asked, I answered:
(Q1) He seems interested, should I do something about it?
Question:
A client and I definitely have good chemistry but when we met 8 months ago he had a girlfriend. We became instant friends anyway, and always try to help each other out with business ideas. He broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago, and since then, there has been flirting to the point of funny awkwardness. He recently made comments about us dating, and how we’d need someone to replace me professionally, etc. Usually I am quick with a good comeback, but I have just been really giddy…we both have. This heavy flirting happened on Friday. I saw him briefly today too, the vibe was there but there was someone in his office so he wasn’t as expressive. He is just my type, handsome, funny and around my age. Do I just let this play out or do I do something about it?
Answer:
It’s one thing for a man to flirt with a woman; however, it’s an entirely different scenario for a man to demonstrate genuine interest by outright asking a woman out. I’m hearing he is flirting with you, but I am not hearing that he made the bold move as to definitively ask you out on a date. If he is sincerely interested in spending time with you outside of work circumstances, then allow him to ask you out on a date. Until then enjoy the banter, keep it tasteful and professional.
(Q2) Why didn’t he call back?
Question:
I thought the date went really well. We had great conversation and really nice time. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from him, it just doesn’t make any sense! Why isn’t he staying in touch or calling me back?
Answer:
Tips to making a first date lead to a second:
(1) Demonstrate interest. Your date’s follow-through is based on two-way, mutual expression of interest. In addition to a nice time and great conversation, a clear sense of direction is often required for your date to effectively navigate next steps. If feelings of uncertainty or indifference are demonstrated, your date will likely not be compelled to keep up the contact. Communication is key. If you had a nice time, let your date know. End the date warmly with a smile, a hug or a kiss, and express that you enjoyed the evening and look forward to doing it again soon. This kind of authentic communication encourages your date to follow through, and a little encouragement can go a long way.
(2) Show your softer side. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are; you have a great job, maybe even a graduate degree, and you want your date to view you as an intelligent, capable individual. Great! But this isn’t a job interview, and while it’s fine to talk about the accomplishments you’re proud of, talking about them too much can be counterproductive. Your date’s looking for someone to relate emotionally as well as intellectually. Keep the discussion centered on the two of you. Be curious. Share stories about experiences, what you enjoy doing for fun, your talents, what makes you laugh, and what’s important to you in life. Let yourself shine from the inside. Displaying your substance and inner beauty will give your date far more of a reason to appreciate all of you, and even more of a reason to want to see you again.
(3) Openess & Optimism. Our professional, personal and social lives can be demanding. However, it’s important to project a sense of balance while on a date. Appearing too busy can come across as (a) dispassionate or disinterested in your date (b) lack of time-management (c) negates the opportunity for your date to visualize how he fits into your life. Consider the following; your date asks what your upcoming week looks like; responding with clarity while stating your availability can lead to a second date made while on the first date. For example, it’s acceptable to state you “generally leave town Thursdays on summer weekends”, followed by “although that’s flexible and coming back early is not a problem”. Whereas, responding by relaying details of your busy calendar, countless upcoming social events, business trips, and weekends booked for weeks ahead, can leave your date perplexed, adversely affecting desire to keep up the contact. In summary, those who possess a genuine interest in meeting someone special, and make time in their busy lives to be on a date with you, generally seek a similar attainability in a partner. Approach your date with a sense of openness and optimism. If the two of you hit it off and a second date is on the horizon, if you must bring up a scheduling conflict make it brief and suggest another time that works; meaning get right back to the point — seeing each other again.
(Q3) Why the disappearance?
Question:
I had a witty and engaging exchange with someone online, followed by being abruptly snubbed and never hearing from that person again. This happened more than once. What could be contributing to this disappearance?
Answer:
Online dating is a perfectly valid avenue for meeting someone when used properly; by taking it offline once a connection is made. If there’s a mutual interest in meeting someone in the real world, then set up a date and meet in-person. There’s little point in lengthy online exchanges before meeting someone first. The truth is, no matter how well one thinks they are communicating virtually, it’s all left up to interpretation. When someone doesn’t know you, doesn’t get your humor, never met you and has no real sense of who you are, over-exchanging in the virtual space can result in the other person loosing interest and disconnecting, leaving you wondering why they fell off the radar. Instead, opt to keep it short and sweet. Make a date and spend that time in-person with some good-old-fashioned, face-to-face communication.
(Q4) Why aren’t they emailing me back?
Question
I’m dating online and sent quite a few emails out but mostly not getting responses. Why aren’t they emailing me back?
Answer:
Photos are the most important part of an online profile, your “foot in the door” toward getting a response email. If your photo doesn’t jump off the page, your profile is likely to be passed by. How are you going to stand out over all the competition around you? Your photo is how you make a first impression, and it should read “Pssst…over here…. Click on me”!
Photo Fundamentals:
Don’t skimp. The main photo you choose to display should be clear, with a great big smile, capturing your true beauty and essence. Generally, if you feel you are better looking in-person then in your online photos, you can probably benefit from having professional photos taken.
Pay attention to detail. Your individual sense of style, taste, and sophistication should project in your photos. If you are opting for professional photos, talk to your photographer for guidance on what works well on camera. The idea is to feel great and look your best; it will reflect in your photos and subsequently, stand out online.
3-Photo max. Too many photos in your dating profile can be counter-productive; save it for Facebook. Consider posting 3 photo favorites. For example, 1 head-shot with a great smile as your main, and no more than 2 others, just to give a deeper sense of you. Leave the rest to the imagination and the “wanting more” factor. For more, they will have to meet you.
Smile. It’s far more inviting and gets better results. A smile is a powerful form of expression, providing a glimpse into your unique brand of individuality. If you don’t have photos that show off your fierce smile, consider getting professional ones taken. Smiling is vital to drawing attention toward your profile. After all, would you want to go out with someone who doesn’t look happy?
(Q5) I’m not sure how I feel. Should I continue seeing this person?
Question
I recently met someone wonderful, smart, kind, funny, with many great qualities I am seeking in a partner, and who I’m pretty sure is into me! We went out a few times but I’m not sure about the physical chemistry. I don’t want to lead this person on, but also want to feel more confident before making a decision. Should I continue seeing this person?
Answer:
First of all, get on the same page by communicating how you feel. Express that you’d like to take it slow and get to know each other better. Hiding those feelings can cause frustration and confusion, ultimately stunting the growth of what could potentially develop into a very promising relationship.
Feelings of uncertainty can evolve from lack of emotional connection, which is counter-intuitive since it’s more easily linked to physical connection. However, chemistry can be realized based on qualities transcending the physical, a combination of factors including appearance, personality, intellect, sense of humor, interests, morals, values, goals, and other common convictions and views of the world.
Should you choose to continue seeing this person, it’s important to be honest with yourself to understand (1) the compelling factors drawing you to the person in the first place (2) if those factors are based on closeness built over time and holding future promise (3) where your focus lies; it should be on each other. If you’re focusing on expectations of others, or preconceived notions of what a “relationship should be” or what you “should be feeling”, then discard that – it’s not relevant and not what dating is about. What’s relevant are your feelings organically for this person and for each other, and whether it’s sufficient to build upon.
Effective use of time together is critical. This means far more than waiting for a feeling to arise or seeing what happens next. It means knowing what you want and proactively engaging and exploring those fundamentals within the context of time spent together. It means fostering a deeper connection by learning what’s important to each of you individually, in a relationship, and in life. It means engaging in variety of activities together and gaining insight into how you both function as a couple. It means fewer expectations and more doing little things for each other that builds intimacy. We often mistake what or how much someone ‘can do for us’ as the ideal relationship barometer, when in reality there’s so much to be gained by doing something from the heart for someone else, and seeing their eyes light up with appreciation for you and all that you are.
Giving it a chance to grow on you may possibly change the way you feel, and make you a winner in more ways than one. A few weeks, maybe even a month or two. I’ve seen instances start off without a strong sense of physical chemistry, and then developed after getting to know one another on a deeper level. Keep communication open and honest at all times to avoid misleading or sending mixed signals. You’ll know when you’ve given it enough time.
(Q6) Dating over 50 - any advice?
Question
I’m 59 years old, recently divorced after 30 years of marriage, and new to the singles and dating scene. Any advice for a positive dating experience?
Answer:
You’re marriage was a long one - 30 years. You’re single life – short in comparison. A lot’s changed in a relatively brief period and may require some adjusting. In marriage one can share anything on their mind with their partner without much filtering, the good, bad, ugly – all of it. However, dating is an entirely different world and for those who haven’t been single for quite some time, can easily fall into dating no-no’s, which can actually prevent them from meeting the kind of people they’re looking for. There are so many wonderful things about dating again when you’re older. You have a lot more to offer, you are worldlier and probably know what you’re looking for. Let’s increase your opportunities by eliminating the dating pitfalls and paving the way to your dating success. Here are some Do’s and Dont’s to keep in mind:
DO
Be adaptable; after a break-up or divorce, you should be flexible when starting to date again. Be spontaneous with the new people in your life, demonstrate that you're at ease and enjoying this new beginning.
Dress presentably. Smell nice. Look and feel your best. Update your wardrobe if needed, keeping style and sophistication in mind. No Hawaiian shirts. No over-sized clothes. Go easy on the hair products and keep skin and makeup soft and fresh. There’s nothing sexier to your date than you at your natural best.
Keep conversation smart, stick to current and light-hearted topics such as hobbies and interests, accomplishments, travels and adventures, fun plans you’re looking forward to.
Show interest and be interesting; discuss things you care about in the world and ask your date what their perspective is on the topic. Curiosity demonstrates intelligence, evokes intrigue, and provides insight into what’s important to each of you on larger scale.
Know your selling points; if it’s not career, and it can’t always be, promote yourself in other creative ways. If you’re retired and asked how you spend your time, avoid explaining yourself and come up with something you’re good at. For example, it may be community services or charitable work and contributions, and/or any other accomplishments, past and present.
Be patient with yourself and with dating in general. Not every person you date has to be “the one.” You’re dating at a time in your life where you can slow down and ensure that you’re in a relationship for the right reasons. This is a special time full of hope and excitement for the future. Stay positive, persevere and have fun with it!
DON’T
Talk about exes – period. It’s a danger zone no matter how you think you’re approaching it. What happened in your marriage or past relationships, stays there. If your date intentionally brings it up then answer briefly with a positive attitude, and gently move off the topic.
Talk about sensitive topics and/or what you’ve overcome personally in life. Aim to reflect yourself in present-day form. A first date is not the time or place to take your date through an emotional journey. If you hit it off, you’ll have plenty of time to dig into the archives in the future.
Talk about personal and/or health-related issues. That’s private, and there’s no need for your date to know about it.
Talk about your beauty regimen or effort to get ready for the date. All your date needs to know is what they see – a beautiful and polished finished product.
Explain yourself or apologize for anything; communicate with confidence and comfort in your own skin. Leave the past and any negative feelings at the door.
Appear necessitous or disadvantaged; after ending a long-term marriage or relationship, you’re probably used to being with someone all the time. It’s an adjustment to be on your own. You’re single now and it’s your choice to do what you want to do. Even when you may have someone new in your life, still stand on your own two feet and try doing things independently. Only a codependent person wants to be with another inter-reliant person.